Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in
cielo_terra's LiveJournal:
Saturday, July 7th, 2007
11:37 pm
maTeria menTe soMa iD Body minds. I'm interested in the wetware below our brain stems... what does my fingers think of being in a slave labor situation for my brain as I type these words out? Our instincts? This is no republic, yet occasionally there is something that can vote us out of office temporarily and we don't even notice until we're making out with someone we don't even like or saying something we didn't intend to. This is life, and we are in control, most of the time. Or are we fooled by just how many unconscious vetos take place ever hour of our lives?
I had the vision today of a crucifixion. Tissue, cells, blood and bone giving way to shaped iron, then little splinters of wood, cell walls all in alignment, the actual internals all dead of each one, giving way to this iron, and blood cells flooding into the dead broken tree cells, tinting microscopic portions of the wood red, and once again alive with red and white blood cells, trying to die and become a clot.
There's no point to this imagery that popped in my head, but is it my mind that manufactured it? Or the unruly sea of subconsciousness every thought?
Is the concept of a body mind a Santa Claus, just a figment of one's imagination given power by believing in it, or something "intangible" but "Real". What makes real intangibles real then?
Current Mood: productive Current Music:Cerro Largo - Apparat
Wheel of semi-connected misc. Bonnaroo: Was much better this year, even if the music wasn't as good. Had camp right next to the entrance, Fort Awesome it was indeed. Seeing Tool again blew me away, and the Flaming Lips put me back together again... exactly what was needed. Which leads to:
Moving: After getting back from Roo I felt something spinning around in my head... maybe like a muscle man spinning around a mallet before striking the circus strong man game and then really smashing down, sending the counterweight all the way through the bell, smashing it, continuing into the sky, and through the moon. Only thing is it smashed whatever ties that bind me to Athens, and Austin is all I have been able to think about. My body is here in Clarke county but my mind's a thousand miles away (like that's anything new) Already making accounts with Austin Energy and talking with realtors.
Can't wait to get there... going to pick glassblowing back up and be even more awesome. Get some film gigs too.... which leads to:
iPhone: speaking of black monoliths of power... The iPhone certainly had some design decisions concerning a big black frontal minimalist face. And with the above explanation it gets even creepier. But seriously, interacting with the iMonolith is a pleasant experience indeed. Call quality is okay, but then again I don't care so much as I don't have too many people to talk to. But the synthesis of basic internet, the iPod features, and a phone is quite good. Apple has delivered on a promise that Palm tried to do with the Treo a few years ago but failed. This will make people's lives easier and people will pay for it. No lie, the benefit of one device rather than two is great. 700k sold units in the opening weekend can't be wrong... Now I just have to ebay my old phones and iPod and my CC will stop growling at me.
speaking of graceful lines... Parkour: I have a renewed interest in Parkour and want to get into shape. (and learn how to fall correctly) Went out tonight and dashed in a line through some mildly uneven surfaces... may need an ankle brace. Sore, but maybe it will get better in time than worse.
Current Mood: good Current Music:Morning Star - Amorphis
past present future So I took pictures of a girl who is absolutely gorgeous, and feel like I've made a friend in the process, as I've found that with people I'm more or less a drawer- pull on me a little and I open up. Don't and I'm about as much fun to be around as a drawer set. Today was a good day. Hope to get to shoot her again... got some ideas with her, if she's trusting.
I'm all set to shoot bonnaroo, and I'm reading Stumbling on Happiness. Saw When the Wind Shakes the Barley, the leading dude looks like a brother or something of Spike, it's crazy. Great film.
If I had anything to do with my future endevors I'd stay far far away from people, but whenever I do that it's not good for my soma (body mind) so I have to interact with people on a regular basis to keep that in check. We are an animal inside, after all. Plus taking shots of white walls gets old after 3 days of it. And they pay is even worse.
Found out I'm a fairly good idea loom. Need some inspiration? Hang around me long enough and I'll help you solve whatever your problem is, although the solution might sting, stink or otherwise be repulsive to you. Or be of such grandiose proportions as to be unachievable. Or be exactly the kick in the pants that you need (happened this week, fortunately, I think)
Sleep then finish rearranging.
That's another thing: I know people who need little / no sleep, some who need loads, and those are chaotic in what they can do. I start seeing black at about 3AM on a regular sleep schedule. Can't go below 4 hours of sleep a night or I become a zombie.
It's also rather interesting going from sober (as close to it as I get) to fully snookered in one beer. I've got whatever perk from Fallout that doubles effects of all drugs I guess.
What a week.
Jerry Falwell's dead, he's dead he's dead he's dead.....
Current Mood:good and tired Current Music:The Meaning Of Love - Depeche Mode
plateau of economics. The most surprisingly useful course in my time at UGA was Economics. Sure, it was based mostly on money but it also translates into the economics of the will. For every action taken there is a cost for that action, and a cost for future actions. Whether you do something or not you have performed an action. The benefit/cost matrix of holding one's ground ideologically has certain boundaries. Past those one either
A: loses one's connection with other people, resulting in the subconscious triggering depression to herd one back in or kill themselves slowly or quickly,
B: becomes enslaved to the status quo of the society in which one participates in and become something akin to a vegetable wheel, or
C: Dominate and control others via hierarchy and become a social vampire... powerful, in control, but constantly needing...
D: Etc. Etc. Etc.
The world is flat, slippery and you can fall off. If you find you have to fall off, that the plateau of social reality is too much, choosing which way to hop off which will cause you the least damage (Short Term and Long Term) is advisable to being pushed off by circumstance.
Pulling the plug Well, the events of the past week have left me really rather jaded by computing and it's effect on me in general. Maybe it's not the source but I don't get as much done as I would like. A month without a computer. I think breaking my habits and priorities and letting my mind settle for a while. So I'm saying goodbye to facebook, LJ, myspace, netvibes, blogs, and computing in general, save occasional gmail, ebay, and craigslist checks.
Nothing is going to get better unless I make it so, and perhaps this is a decent first step toward personal fulfillment.
After wednesday I'm off this digital boat for a while. Here's hoping I can swim. Looking forward to a change, but loathing giving up games and internet goodness.
Current Mood: determined Current Music:The late late Friday night rain
Today I'm beat from headbanging to Cinemechanica. Neck's a little sore but I'll be okay after tomorrow. Today I tried to get food but every place I went to was swamped! Egads!
So yesterday Matt and Katie G. and KT reminded me in their own ways that I don't have the slightest clue of who I am, and that who I think I am is a stupid illusion created from a lack of self esteem, narcissistic circular thoughts, and fear of change/acceptance.
And lots of more crap and I can go for hours and hours of self analyzing the anus of my mind but there's no end to it all so I'll stop and dream about girls with four boobs two tongues and lots and lots of lip gloss smothering me from head to toe. Fun times are to be had at the end of some rainbow somewheres.
Since talking like a fucking idiot is necessary these days to succeed let's prevail let's carpe diem let's create pornography of gonzo proportions. No cocks, no cunts, no tits, just loads and loads for chatter that makes your ears bleed your lungs flip flop and your tongues rattle with the cadence of bones. Let's spew the spunk of 1,000 stocks and bonds while reciting the Art of War in an elaborate Ikea office setting. We can listen to pleasant melodies of the Muzak while watching the paint dry.
HOW FUN!!!!!11!!1! Sign me up now!!!11!1!!!
Hmm... you know, somedays I'd like to hand over the keys to a Tyler Durden, but since he's (un)fortunately just a character in a movie, I have to redefine my aims on my own. Which sucks. Because it would be so easy to be schizophrenic and let that personality form that is everything you aren't that you wished you were, which IMO is one reason why that movie drew so many people in, myself included. What's hard is doing it. Saying, okay, I'm sick of these stupid hangups I am continually hindered by, and I'm going to prevail against them.
Am all I am doing right this moment is gripping the walls of the cage of my hangups and shaking them, a prisoner to them? Or can these bars melt away, and let me walk outside of them, if just a little? These are the questions of the day, so it seems, so it goes.
Current Mood: mischievous Current Music:magnifishit - Skinny Puppy
Whatevs. I finally dropped someone from my top 8 myspace thing that I've lost contact with, and they did the same immediately thereafter if seems.
Weird, because this person hasn't talked to me directly for over a month and a half in real life, nor online after repeated attempts to talk to them. Maybe it's coincidence. Maybe they're cracked out. Maybe I've been cracked out. Whatevs. I'm tired of the silence and gotta move on. I was hoping to hold out and get proven wrong that maybe they'll give their side of what's going on and where they are but that isn't the case.
Sleep, then shoot Twilight.
Current Mood: indifferent Current Music:Fun - Agatsuma Hiromitsu
Steve Jobs said at a graduation speech "stay hungry, stay foolish."
In an age of infinite recycling of taste, there appears to be no real push to move forward. No push for things to challenge the cardinal laws of this modern culture. With the internet time has been bent from a linear relationship into a infinite helix that bends in on itself. We have no future and no past, just a span of time from the 70's until now, in a self referential jetsam of hodgepodge.
There's little reward for risk taking. Most of the music I hear in Athens sounds self referential, somewhat to the point of incest. People, now, as always, are really afraid to fail, yours truly included. I wish people were taught how to fail, how to really really get out there, do something incredibly stupid, and say in the end "well, wasn't that interesting?"
I'm tired of being unsatisfied with the art, fashion, design and music worlds. What I wonder more about now is what can be done about it? There needs to be a class or a school where people are taught how to manufacture their own lenses. To create their own perspective. I can go to a record store and listen as conversations bubble about what has come before. Likewise art students are required to know X amount of Art History.
I say lenses because as a photographer we require them. If you try to take a picture without one I get a blank photo with an average of the light, all in one huge pixel. A lens both gives a direction for light to travel, and blocks out erroneous light from the sides. However, there is a cost to using a lens. You lose some light... some that is right in front of the camera bounces back to hence where it came. That is the reflection you see when you look at yourself reflected in the len's glass.
Similarly, there is a cost to seeking to work from a focused perspective. In doing so, we lose some touch with some greater humanity. There are serious benefits to playing it safe. What's needed is an arm of support for such endeavors that push the envelope. Where catastrophic failure isn't the goal, but isn't frowned upon either.
Maybe this is a little overboard, but a gentle push outside of the comfort zones of the now would be quite nice. Till then I'll be swimming in my own secret world of gentle passive nonconformity.
Current Mood: discontent Current Music:Jesus For The Jugular - The Veils
Okay, so I went to see Inland Empire yesterday... it's 3 hours of surreal Lynch-ness. Some phrase KT uses when she's replying back to something comes to mind:
Person: Blah blah blah KT: Blah blah blah YER FACE!!!
If you've seen IE you know what I'm talking about... I awoke at 2:15 and was in chills everytime I thought about that face...
It's an indescribable three hour ride through hell and back again. Everything is controlled to increase the tension... and it's shot wonderfully.
I dreamed when I was a kid that there was this house with endless rooms... no matter how many doors I went through I'd never escape. Mind you, this place was full of people doing all sorts of things, and they never stopped what they were doing but they did acknowledge me as I passed through... IE is a little like that.
Nothing's connected directly, but subconsciously it lines up quite well.
Lynch's got me inspired. If the opportunity arises I want make a film about the specific darkness that hides people's self esteem from them, when it's always there all along.
Anywho, when it comes out on DVD I highly recommend swiping the crappiest projector possible and watching it that way.
Other business: I might be hanging around Athens a while longer after all. Crossing fingers. "Testing" Photoshop CS3 today. Hopefully will work wonderfully. The mini quiches at Cine are delicious. I'm interested in shooting people for once. Modeling stuff, perhaps. Been passing out my cards, half in interest, half in drawing up the nerve just to approach strangers better.
Current Mood: enthralled Current Music:Just As The Day Was Dawning - Big Business
What. A. Fucking. Bipolar. Day. Yesterday. Was. It's been a while since I've completely broke down and stopped functioning. It's when that happens that I think I can finally bounce back up... meaning I think I've been in a gradual funk for at least two months now and maybe it's near its end.
Today I went and fought my speeding ticket and lost. I'm kinda tired still, (got up at 5 to work on my defense) but I'm glad I gave it my best shot (given the circumstances) and lost rather than just accepted it. I fought the law and the law won. Wheee.
This is amazing:
I'm off this weekend guitar heroing it with the folks. On Easter me and my cousin are going to compete on the song "Shout at the Devil" while pigging out at lunch. Should be interesting, if catatonically inducing.
Oh, and getting laid with someone that the shoe fits is quite satisfying, to say the least.
Sleep, then travels.
Current Mood: amused Current Music:Marble House - The Knife
Finish it. So just got back in Athens today, watched the Fountain again, the shot-reverse shot of the (dying) old man with a ring and Hugh without didn't make much sense, but this time it does.
While I was waiting what felt like two hours in the gynecology office I saw a old couple hugging each other in silence. I did the best I could to avoid noticing, but it kinda got burned in my head... and for quite a while since I've panicked. "I'm not where I should be at this phase of my life" "Time is slipping by".... I could feel seconds tick by...
That is exactly what the Fountain's thesis targets. "Life, yes is short, but panic and you've lost what is precious between the seconds" is perhaps what it would say if interviewed directly.
Good times. I don't think most people can get the Polyphonic Spree unless you see them live. They've converted my cynical skeptical super serious brain with their melodies. ___________
Love the life you chose keep yourself feeling brand new
and love your strife with god everyone wants to know love...
Hail to the sky. Hail to the sky. Time to watch the show. It's time to watch a show. Trees wanna grow, grow, grow, grow. (grow) (grow) (grow)
Still a man. It seems the time has gone away but all at once you knew your mission well. You're civilized it seems soon to paralyze. The thought became the mission of your life. The best place is to find your home. The coolest is to find your way. The best place is to find your home in time til' when the fool becomes a king. -----------------
Had a really good night. Tom Yum soup at Thai of Athens, made a crazy spooky self portrait, some good music shooting, and theological/cyberbrain discussions. A sublime evening if I do say so myself.
My activities at the hostel have been tabled until monday-tuesday, and for the weekend I'm going down to visit the grandparents, in fact I'm meeting them in Macon for lunch!
I had something serious to say but it's gone for now.
Oh, my camera is off to the camera hospital. No worries, it's under warranty. But alas no more pictures for a week or two.
Current Mood: chipper Current Music:Section 19 (When The Fool Becomes A King) - The Polyphonic Spree
Downshifting necessary. Sometimes feeling pulled like taffy in multiple directions happening right now. Photo, be social, learn, read, clean up, eat, make sense, don't make sense. All at once.
I saw something while out in TX that's changed my priorities: 2 elderly people holding onto each other for dear life in a gynecologist's office, without caring for who sees them doing so, totally oblivious to the outside world for the moments they have left to spend together. Intense. They didn't get called back for 20 minutes and I tried not to let on that I noticed.
My first reaction was and is to rush---- that time is finite and to get as much done as can be done with the time given to each of us. But now I'm kinda trying to slow down, slow down even more. Take on some part time work until the photo stuff takes off.
I don't know if I mean what I say, that's how ping pongish I am right now. Too. much. information. Not. enough. time. to. process.
Anywho, said goodbye to a Mandy last night, she's moving back to Ol' Miss. Hopefully she'll find what she's looking for back home, as I haven't seen her happy here in GA in a long while. Saw Bill again, looked good if worried about his interviews with Turner.
I myself am headed south this weekend. There's this place in Brunswick called the Hostel in the Forest. It is a bunch of treehouses, well really houses on stilts up into the canopy but the same distinction. I've built up a lot of nervous tension over the past month and can do no good as I am. I'll be participating in a sweatlodge Sunday if I feel like it.
Must acquire soup....
Current Mood: restless Current Music:And then so clear - Brian Eno
Redefinitons, time responses, work, etc. Ended up hanging w/ KatieC a bunch today. We talked about our relationships. One thing she said that sticks in my head is her definition of a crush: inspiring aspects of people that makes you like that person. Okay, perhaps taken a little bit farther than she does, perhaps the boundary between acquaintances and friends is that one has a crush on that other person?
One thing I thought about when I woke up this morning is how people respond to time. Some people I know are absorbed in the world of the past. Books are their vessels of transportation to realms long ago. Some are in the here and now, and their dress and social graces are impeccable. Some souls (yours truly included) dip the pens of their conscious attention into the future.
I'm trying to juggle the other two better, hence this LJ. I'm making contact with the present, and creating a trail into the past.
The rest of the day involves transferring media to my new external, backing up everything (had to help neighbor, realized I need to do it from her situation), and listening to music. Photography requires more discipline than I have right now: I can work or not, but if I don't get paid I don't get paid. I think I'm going to work at Dial-America for a month just for some motivation.
Current Mood: working Current Music:Jazzanova - Another New Day
gotta start somewhere Last night was a mutual friend's b-day. Generally I try to avoid social situations as much as possible as they drain me rather quickly. It's hard to explain but suddenly I'm unable to speak. I then have to save up enough energy to make a quick exit w/ goodbyes. It's rather annoying, especially when people from out of town are there. (not that it would have mattered as the person was sick w/ something I best not get)
I gotta get out more, (every time I get out maybe is a rep) I think if I work up to 5 "reps" a week of socializing I'll get better.
Also need to find a good place to swim. I want to get in shape and that's as good an idea as I can think of. I know I can do 10 laps w/ stoping, I'd like to get to 10 without a break someday.
The nap and the cold shower I took 9ish has worn off, and i'm collapsing. G'night.
Current Mood: sleepy Current Music:The Knife - One hit
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cielo_terra's journal
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